Friday, February 25, 2011

No More Excuses

It's getting more and more difficult to go to my job.  Not only does my creativity suffer because I'm too tired to do the things I enjoy doing once I arrive home, but I just think I'm too old (even though 52 is not really old) to keep going on like this.  Things haven't been so great for me financially for quite some time now, and I'm relegated to catching the bus to and from work mostly every day.  Sometimes I get rides from co-workers and friends, but after a while, if you have just a smidgen of pride, you eventually get tired of asking for rides.   


This job (although I'm grateful to have an income of any kind in today's economy) is the first job I've had that has actually made me want to quit before having something else in place.  You see, I work at an urban public school system and things can get pretty crazy to say the least.  There are fights and then there are more fights.  Oh, did I mention the fighting? 

Once when I was working at a local high school, a girl was jumped by some other girls.  When the victim's mom came to the school to assess the situation, another fight broke out just outside of the office where I was working.  The next thing I know, the brouhaha spilled over into the main office and the mother ended up being handcuffed by security, accused of hitting one of the students after being struck in the face herself, resulting in the breaking of her $500.00 pair of glasses.  This was amazing to me.  I know, I know, this sort of thing happens in urban public school systems everyday, but I simply refused to be so desensitized that these occurrences no longer bothered me.  To this day, I am still appalled at the whole thing.

So, there I sat, waiting for the trap door to open underneath my desk as a way of escape.  Of course, it never opened (probably because it was imaginary), and I remained in the same room with this mess.  Lord, what did I do to deserve this?  When can I get out?  How soon can I expect my deliverance?  Calgon, take me away...

As I sat and watched this melee of bad behavior, I began to second guess all my past decisions.  What would have happened, I thought, if I had gone through with my plans to join the Army Reserve instead of letting my mother talk me out of it?  Where would I be in the world right now?  Would I have done the 4 years and out, gone to college afterwards, and been in a completely different career?  Would I be working as a writer in New York, California, or even Paris?  Hmmmm... I can't help but wonder.

Or what would've happened if I hadn't let my father talk me out of playing the flute?  Would I be a flautist extraordinaire by now?  What would the outcome have been if I had continued to follow my dreams of full time artistry or writing?  For years I pursued a career in the fine arts.  I painted and created works of art on a regular basis.  I sold work and showed in gallery showings around the city where I live.  As a writer, my poetry was published in various anthologies while I did the local poetry circuit.  Even though the money was sporadic (I was still working a full-time job) it always came in handy.  I can't help but wonder where I would be now if I had continued doing shows, creating art, and writing poetry, essays, and short stories.  Oh well...

Living has a way of getting in the way of life... 

Because I had to do what it takes to live, my life as an artist, writer, creator, was put on hold―for many years.  Now, at 52 years of age, I have to remind myself constantly that all is not lost.  Things could certainly be worse.  The problem I'm having is with my feeling that I should be much farther in my accomplishments than I am at this point.  Exactly how did I get derailed from the path of fulfilling my dreams and aspirations?

Living has a way of getting in the way of life... 

Now, instead of dwelling on a past that I cannot change, I have to do what's necessary to accomplish what I've set out to do.  The greatest lesson for a procrastinator to learn is simply this: in order for me to accomplish anything, I must finish what I start.  No more unfinished projects.  Even if I have to take them on one at a time, I have to complete what I'm working on.  There has to be a determination and a drive to keep at it until it's done.  Then I can move on to the next project.  Even if I start a number of projects one right behind the other, I must take the time to finish each one in its entirety.  There has to be closure.  Unfinished projects sitting on the shelf collecting dust must no longer be an option for me.

So I make a vow to myself to finish what I start, to accomplish what I set out to do and to follow my dreams until I catch up with them.  I thank God that through the life, death, burial, and resurrection of His Son, our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, I have the ability to reach far beyond the walls of my immediate environment and aim for the stratosphere.  One project at a time.

1 comment:

  1. Amen :) You can definitely do this, it's never too late to accomplish what you've set out to do. Remember that it takes persistence, and of course God's help. Reading this was also quite encouraging for me; hearing that someone else has gone through this has given me the push I need to keep on with my writing.

    Remain blessed :)